Propaganda I am falling for
No seriously, help, I'm falling for propaganda
Trigger warning: lots of body talk in this one. No specifics (no mention of calories, or weight etc) but I do discuss body image and weight loss/gain in general terms. The whole piece is basically about struggling to apply body positivity to myself. If that’s not a helpful conversation for you right now, please please please skip. There’ll always be another post.
Also, a note: when I talk about body image struggles or weight changes, I’m referring to challenges that are difficult, but not clinically diagnosed, life-threatening, or seriously debilitating. When it comes to eating disorders, I’m not qualified to speak, but you can contact people who are here.
Ask me about body positivity and I’ll celebrate it for all its worth. I’ll tell you you’re so much more than your body shape, whatever that shape is, and I will genuinely mean it. I’ll tell you to buy some bigger jeans before letting your old pair cut into your stomach. I’ll tell you you’re just as beautiful at your heaviest as you are at any other weight, and I will believe that, even if you don’t.
But I won’t give myself the same grace.
Because when it comes to my own body, I’m falling for the propaganda that tells us to be smaller. And I’m falling hard.
I’m not just nodding in agreement at the posters. I’m tearing the little coupon off the bottom and signing up to serve my country. But the country is the patriarchy. And I’m serving it by basing my own self-worth on whether I’m currently shrinking or expanding.
I don’t think I’m the only one, though.
I could list all the things I don’t like about my body without thinking about it. (Just tried it. Got to 14 right off the bat, then took a breath, considered it for a moment, and came up with three more). Sorry. I know we’re not really meant to admit that anymore.
I think unkind thoughts about myself every day. If I’m out, there will inevitably be a point where I catch my reflection in a mirror or shop window or black screen and think “oh god, look at how much arm you have.” Or something similar.
I don’t want to think like this. I fundamentally disagree with this line of thought. I don’t think I’ve ever, in my whole life, looked at someone else and thought “you’ve got a lot of arm there, and that’s bad.”
But I’m struggling, because the thoughts about myself are still there.
As a society, we kind of pretend we’re all on board with body positivity. But the body positivity we see in the mainstream (and I’m not talking about the roots of the movement here, I’m talking about the glossy version that still mainly rewards smallness) has become its own kind of self-improvement culture.
The kind that features models “up to size 18”. The kind that is okay with some edgy young 22-year-olds having armpit hair as long as they’re conventionally attractive in other ways. The kind that actively celebrate a celebrity with a small roll visible on their stomach when they lean forward, but balk if the roll is still there when they sit up.
And now, also in the mainstream, we’ve got Ozempic and Pilates Bodies and 75 Hard and people on TikTok claiming Addison Rae has a body that’s likely to make the average woman feel better about their own. (???)
It’s propaganda. And it’s propaganda I’m totally falling for.
I know I’m falling for it, because the other day I draped a towel over the full-length mirror in my bedroom as I was getting ready. I’ve googled whether I’m eligible for a weight loss jab. I’ve wondered if hypnotherapy is a viable option for me — either to accept my body as it is OR to curb my cravings and make it easier to shrink it, depending on how I’m feeling on the day.
Society will tell us we’re making progress in the ‘all bodies are beautiful’ space, but I don’t know if I agree. I think it’s more that we talk about our bodies more than ever, and it’s all sneakily packaged up to look like progress.
Body positivity. Body neutrality. Ketosis. Atkins. Slimming World. Weight Watchers. Disordered eating. Eating disorders. Ankle weights. Pilates bodies. Calorie Deficit. Weight loss jabs. Whole food diet. 10k steps to lose weight.
All words and phrases we immediately understand. All encouraging us to slam ourselves into a box and classify our relationship with food and movement and ourselves in a way that makes sense to other people.
I have no solution, unfortunately, other than to say, if you’re struggling to love yourself right now — don’t give yourself a hard time.
I’m not going to judge anyone for taking Ozempic, or upping their step count, or starting a calorie deficit. In the exact same way, I’m not going to judge anyone for putting on weight. Or staying the same weight their whole lives. Or caring about their weight. Or not caring about their weight. For starting an exercise class that makes them feel good. Or leaving an exercise class that makes them feel terrible.
I hope you’re not struggling under the propaganda, I really do. I hope you’re making your decisions based on how YOU feel. How happy you are. How you feel when you eat a really good chocolate cake. How good it feels to keep up on a hike with your friends.
But if you’re not? If you feel you have to change because the world is telling you to change? Me too. I get it. I’m right there with you, and it’s tough. You’re not a bad person for it. You’re not any less of a feminist. We were never meant to win against this particular machine. There’s too much money in it.
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Thank you for this, especially on here!! I feel so seen 🥹it’s honestly so hard for me to put my struggles on body image on here because for once I want to have a social media that is stripped from that identity. But you said it so well, the balance of needing to find joy in the little moments like ice cream with your friends but also physically wanting to “fix” your body. There is such a need to strike a balance and I really hope we get there 🫶🏾
My relationship with my body has improved so much since I swapped Instagram and YouTube time for Substack time.
At this point, celebrities aren’t the problem, and brands aren’t the problem. What’s seriously damaging is how filters and visual tricks make literally everyone on the video-based Internet look flawless.
But if you shut that part of the Internet down, what you’ll mostly see are regular people with regular faces and bodies, talking about regular things.
Now I spend my time online here, reading cool publications by middle-aged women—because if you’re stressed about weight at 29, just wait until ageism kicks in. It’s even worse because you can theoretically lose weight, but you can’t turn back the clock.
These women are rediscovering ways to relate to the world, and I find that incredibly optimistic.
Online propaganda in certain spaces only matters if we spend time in those spaces.